It is an unhappy decision
To sink lower than you deserve
And find some peace in nothingness
But so much easier than the struggle
To keep breathing
But you and I both know
It is far better to allow your body to float
Than to fold into yourself
Amongst some grim thing
And lose all air
It’s a word
That knocks the breath out of me
My stomach twitches
Pulls in and wallows
At the thought of it
I feel my bones tense
They’re less bold now
Remembering
And hearing again
Of another, taken
If it’s cold
I see the air droplets
Simmering in the rays
Of an ignorant sun
Lifting the haze
Around my mouth
And creating a dragon’s breath
It looks more fierce than I feel
But I guess thats just it
Isn’t it?
If it’s hot
It hurts more to hear
I need that breath more
So am emptied
And exhausted
Each time my lungs clutch
And cling hard
At the very thought
Take their time to empty
And longer to refill
And it’s a petty plea, I know
Quite desperate really
To feel a little less
Like that same body
But when you say that word
And I am made to hear
That rounding rrr
Forced in my ear
I breathe deeper
To empty myself of it
Yes, we all bleed
But some bleed
A thicker blood
Left to clot
For too long
From open wounds
That won’t heal
I lied to you, yes
But by that point I was already dead
Scolding hot drenched syrup
Dropped
Top to toe
Chewy edges
Find my edges
Stick to hairs
And pull
Make me marble
By that point
I was already dead
Didn’t need to lie
To make my heart less humble
When it didn’t even beat
How do I make myself love
Something already dead
Withered and frayed
Taking too long to write
And too slow to come to terms
With its own insignificance
You’d think
Being dead
I’d know my worth by now
But still I wait for the day
My brain catches up
With my bold and arrogant
Imagination
I have this guilt
That’s filling my stomach
Drops with a sickly smell
Finds corners in my gut
And settles
A pool in the pit of me
I’m worried it’ll get into my lungs
And I won’t be able to breath
And then how will I tell you
When my mouth is full of this soot
That I feel overwhelmed
How will I speak
When my body is drenched
In this dead weight feeling
Throat clogged
Mouth bitter
I imagine you with a pair of scissors
Blunt and rusting
Taking my stomach and sawing at it
Making crooked edges
In my swollen organ
So the guilt can trickle out
Find some release
A break for air
To lift the weight
From my waist
And cover the floors with it
It was hard to hear myself
Promise in some way
To do something I didn’t do
Say what I didn’t say
Because of course I want to tell you
want to scream with you
be seen like you
tear that memory apart
make lines across our pages
across our heavy sodden hearts
meet in some grim centre
and form a dark black blot
and use our hands to force it
to come together and burn
to make them feel that sting
that we both have to feel
But how can I tell you
Something I can’t tell myself
Haven’t learnt the language yet
That you can speak so well
I’m born
To be born again
In another form
Half mine half his
But all mine
Am told
By
Religion?
Is that the word
For family
Friends
And strangers too
They think they know me better
Maybe do
But they must struggle
To believe
They know my mind
Inside
Like I do
I can see
The walls
And read the veins
Stretched below the surface
That spell out
So clearly
That I am not interested
In that kind of end
But
I don’t know what I think
As I don’t know what I thought
Before I was told what to think
Because I didn’t know how to know
Because my brain was still pliable
Taking on whatever shape
I was passing through
So how do I know what I think?
Maybe you’re right after all
Maybe I’ll grow into it
And it’ll grow into me
like
roses
I
show
my
hips
in
autumn
and
am
not
the
preferred
form
because
who
doesn’t
love
that
hearty
heady
scent
of
the
summer
bloom
The smallest cluster
Of brown black
In an uneven smudge
At the left of my knee
Down a little
This marking
Etched into my skin
Could create a cloud
Of fog across my body
And make me sick
And it makes me sick
To see you sit
In that selfish sun
To burn and blister
That perfect body
To let your flesh turn
White to pink
And then to coffee stain
Whilst I lay here
Out of sight
To protect my already
Collapsing frame
Preserve some skin left
Not yet stretched
To fill the holes
As you stretch
Your ‘perfect tan’
Across sun lounger
And in every photo
You look good
With that bronze haze
And everyone stares at you
And say ‘You’re glowing’
And I look up
To watch the backs of their heads
I spent an hour awake
tired out of my own sick mind
trying to find a moment
when this body
this infection
living on my bitter brain
(the same as his
might I say)
when this
‘tired of your eyes’
skin tight frame
wasn’t treated like meat
offal and blood beat
a pulp
spat and secreted
I try and imagine a moment
when there won’t be someone
who would find me appetising
want to bite or tear
and consume me
from child to mother to old age
in and between
every centimetre of life
and it’s sort of funny
suffocating
body rid of air
or worse
purpose
when you realise
you’ll never not see that glare
side eyed stare
at my skin
my pink speckled flesh
gross and unloved
but still makes him salivate
pleading for more
there isn’t a time
I’m afraid
when I am not there to ingest
And it all comes back to him
looking at me
a girl looking at a boy looking at a girl
