Later, I phone Ellie, I thought. Accidentally phone her, didn’t notice.
Her: You don’t sound the same
Me: Please listen to me – this has to end. I can’t tell you what I want to because if I did I would be naked and I would be everything and you would see every stain and every bruise and every scar – and your eyes are too naive to share them with. I can’t tell you what you want to hear because it’s those words that haunt me – lies. And I can’t tell you how much you need me because it’s wrong when I know I need you more – don’t tell, an alibi.
Her: Why do you sound so different?
Me: And I can’t tell you to forgive me because I haven’t forgiven myself – it wasn’t meant to be you.
Her: Your voice…
Me: I know. I don’t sound the same because I don’t feel the same – this shouldn’t have happened. It’s because I left your hands lonely as you lay suffocated on the floor – when I shouldn’t have been there at all. It’s because I was a coward and I wanted it to be perfect and it wasn’t because I am too tall to lie next to you and my neck hurt from looking down and my arms ached under your back – it’s not me it’s you. And I didn’t realise that it didn’t have to be perfect – but you did. It’s because in that moment you were everything and I was just a boy – who wanted another girl.